ARE MY EMAILS TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING?

I was doing some spring email cleaning, when I noticed my demographic must be on the cusp of mid-life crisis #2, and hovering around toxic levels of my body in decline.

Here are my most recent emails:

Viagra or Cialis Free Trial!
Viagra Free!
Cialis Free!
Enlarge It (because bigger is better)
Hoveround (get your life back)
Anti- Aging Miracle (fountain of youth in a bottle)
Your old Ex wants to reunite~!
Know when your time is up with Death Clock


And...thank God I was recently sent a wink, a hug, a kiss, a tag, a nudge, a pet, and a martini, by people I don't even know on various social networking sites.
Keeps my chin up!!!


Here is a parody of Chubawamba's Tubthumping I wrote while digesting all this!

I get knocked down, but I get up again,
You're never goin' to keep me down,


Kissing the night away
Kissing the night away

He takes a viagra pill
He takes a cialis pill
He take a Sidenafil
He takes a tadalafil

He sings the songs that remind him
of the up times
He sings a song that reminds him of the down times.

or...how bout.......this (original poem of junk mail over-load)


52 junk mails, bought into them all....
Now I'm all better, never am dull~

Got me a Hoveround from the real Tom Kruse,
I still can walk, but what is there to lose?
I go to the mall and run over the walkers,
Never mind those mallrat dwellling gawkers....

I got me Cialis and a supply of Viagra,
Now I'm flowing like the falls of Niagara...

Bought me Enlarge pills and wrinkle cream,
Got me a timeshare (Boise), livin' the dream!

Got me a job...500 dollars a week!
I can stay at home-- maintaining physique!

Got Mother's Day Flowers for under 20 bucks,
Got there today, oh well, that really sucks....

Got a Citizen Grant, so I can take what's mine
Got an Obama plate, auto pen signed!

Got a discount on meds for all the depression,
And bought a foreclosed home, due to recesssion.

Bought some life insurance at premium rates,
Got plenty of Hyundai cash in rebates.

I lowered my blood sugar with one easy click....
Bought Rachel Ray cookware, (love that pick!)

Got some Hydroxycut, mis-took for cookies,
Got a pamphlet called 'Weight Loss for Rookies...'
Bought a Free Google Kit and an Ebay course,
If your life needs an upgrade, consider the source....

Check that junk mail, it's just what you need~
It's meant for your good, so next time..... do read~

CONCERT SCENES

CONCERTS I'VE SEEN.................(.OFF TOP OF MY HEAD...WILL ADD MORE AS THEY COME TO ME~ )

BLUES BROTHERS
JACKSON FIVE
BLOOD, SWEAT, AND TEARS
SISTER SLEDGE
POINTER SISTERS
LIONEL RICHIE
GREG KIHN BAND
RICK SPRINGFIELD
THE CARS
WANG CHUNG
KOOL AND THE GANG
LOVERBOY
HARRY CHAPIN
BILLY JOEL
ELTON JOHN
BARRY MANILOW
J GEILS BAND
EDDIE MONEY
TODD RUNDGREN
SUGAR HILL GANG
JAMES TAYLOR
JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP
SAVAGE GARDEN
WEIRD AL
DONNY OSMOND
THREE DOG NIGHT
WAYNE NEWTON
TONY ORLANDO AND DAWN
MANHATTAN TRANSFER
OAK RIDGE BOYS
ROBERTA FLACK
HELEN REDDY
KC AND THE SUNSHINE BAND
ROB BASE AND EZ ROCK
TON LOC
BEACH BOYS
BLESSID UNION OF SOULS
DAVY JONES
GLADYS KNIGHT (MINUS PIPS)
THE BLUE NOTES
CHICAGO
HALL AND OATES
MEN AT WORK
BLUES TRAVELER
NO MERCY
LFO
GIN BLOSSOMS
EDWIN MCCAIN
TOWER OF POWER
MAYNARD FERGUSON
BACON BROTHERS
DON MCLEAN

WHO ARE THESE MASKED PEOPLE?

PIGGING OUT!!!!!!!




Swine flu is headlining across the globe. I attended a Lancaster Barnstormer's game Saturday and even saw fans wearing masks at the ole ballgame! Of course the catchers were wearing their masks, but it was a bit odd seeing fans dressed for surgery.








My tribute to the BEST OF THE MASKS! There is no disguising these Masked Ten!

1.) MASK A 1985 film that had Cher( pre-facelift), and Eric Stoltz, playing a Springsteen obsessed freaky faced dude with an elephant man like head. Rusty is a mother to Rocky.....(the real Rusty was killed in a motorcycle accident in 2006.) Rocky's older brother died of AIDS, talk about a a family with issues! I think Rocky is still around. Look for Estelle Getty!





2.) THE MASK Cameron Diaz' fisrt feature film starring Jim Carey~! Stanley's mask is a depiction of Loki, the Morse God of Darkness and mischief. The effects were so cool!
The Son of the Mask (Jim Carey-,ess) not so cool from 2005.




3.) THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK I recall watching the made for TV movie with my mom in 1979 starring Richard Chamberlain. DiCaprio plays King Louis/Phillipe in the ninth remake of the classic. FYI: Douglas Fairbanks was in teh first versim in 1929, and it was a silent film.








4.) MASK OF ZORRO I was a Zorro fan growng up~ 1998 films stars Antonio Banderas and Anthonmy Hopkins. Banderas was the first Spaniard to play the "masked man." the movie was shot in Mexico and Orlando. (pre-swine flu)




5.) BATMAN AND ROBIN'S MASK Batman had the big one, Robin the little one.


6.) JASON VORHEES MASK I actually met Kane Hodder, one of the actors who played Jason. He signed a hockey mask for me~





7.) LONE RANGER'S MASK Who is that masked man?










8.) DARTH VADER MASK Would have loved to have seen James Earl Jones revealing himself to Luke, "I am your Father."







9.) MICHAEL MYERS MASK William Shatner would have been scarier~!




10.) THE SCARY GUY MASK I wore during a band trip to Disney World! I wore it the whole time we were there.

OOPS THERE GOES ANOTHER LEGEND

High Hopes was Harry Kalas's theme song....about an old ant trying to pick up a rubber tree, and a ram trying to butt a a hole in in a dam. Harry died in a booth, getting ready for another day at the ballpark he never called a job. Just like ants move things, and rams ram things, Harry was made for the call.

“

65,000 plus on their feet here at Veteran's Stadium The Tugger needs one more...Swing and a miss! Yes, he struck him out! Yes, they did it! The Phillies are world champions! World champions of baseball! It's pandemonium at Veterans Stadium! All of the fans are on their feet. This city has come together behind a baseball team!...Phillies are world champions! This city knows it! This city loves it!

”

His golden voice was one I had listened to under the covers as a young boy many a night. West coast games, I could not stay up and watch. But mom said nothing about me listening on my dad's transistor. Before true clarity of the IPOd, there was the constant static of the transistor radio. Harry's voice rebounded off the AM towers from San Francisco to my bed, and I was fascinated. I had High Hopes someday I could be on the radio like Harry. When going to the Vet as a youngster, Ii spent as much time trying to get a glimpse of Harry and
"Whitey" Richie Ashburn in the broadcast booth, as I did watching the players on the turf.

Richie Ashburn passed away September 9th 1997, in NY, the latter part of the season. I was listening to the radio, as I was parking my car, ready to walk into my radio station.

Harry passed away in DC April `13th as the season was still a new one.

That day, the Philles, I knew somehow would never sound the same again. Just like the day the music died, that was the day the "voice" died.

My ode to Harry and Whitey~

One smoked cigars and one smoked a pipe,
One was low key, the other had hype.

One wore a golf cap, the other white shoes,
As they rooted their home team
never singing the blues.

One played the game, the other just dreamed,
In awe of each other, or so it sure seemed.

Working together, like an Abott and Costello,
"It's Outta Here!" Harry would bellow~!

Harry called every Michael Jack Home Run
548 as Richie colored each one~

For 27 years, two voices were heard...
I myself, missed hardly ever--- one word.

Sometimes a voice just lives eternal,
Harry and Whitey, were truly fraternal

Echoes of their voices will live deep down inside....
So Harry and Whitey... thanks for the ride!

Kalas made his final call on April 12, 2009during the Phillies game against the Colorado Rockies:

“

Bouncing ball to Chase Utley , this should be the game, Chase throws him out and that will be it as the Phils win 2 out of 3 here at Coors Field coming back to take this one by a score of 7 to 5.

”

I say..................................Harry Kalas YOU are THE MAN!!!!!

So any time your gettin low
stead of lettin go
Just remember that ant
Oops there goes another rubber tree plant!


Rest in Peace Richie and Harry! We will never forget you!

WHACKY HEADLINES

Because of the economy, many females are being lured to fast cash in the stripper industry. As part of his stimulus plan , Barack Obama announced today that some rules will have to be put in place.

1.) A flat tax will be assessed on women who do not have minimum of 32 chest size.

2.) Waist size will be closely monitored to cut down on pork belly spending.

3.) Senior Citizens will be allowed to use their discount cards for 15% off any lap dance.



Henry Winkler has just been question about his alleged involvement in a 'Fonzie' sheme. He was quoted as saying, "Hey, Mr. C....."sorry I 'Made Off' with your hardware." Raplph Malph lost his whoopi cushions, Potsie lost his sweater and Joanie lost Chachi in the mayhem.

Michael Jackson tickets went on sale today. Michael announced because of the recent sale of most of his personal belongings, he will be forced to perform the show nude.
The tour will be called the Nevermind Tour.

Kevin Bacon announced today because of losing money in the Madoff money scam scheme, He will do Footloose 2, The Air Up There 2, Quicksilver 2, and He Said, She Said 2. Because of the surge of Bacon films, the game has announced plans to now become Two Degrees of Kevin Bacon.


Wal-Mart workers will receive 2 billion in bonus checks this year. On a related note, Wal Mart clothing Sweat shop workers in Bangladesh will get bonus increases from a dime an hour up to 15 cents. Also the smiley face guy will get a stimulus check for $1.85. His smile will increase to one centimeter wider in 2009.
iT'S GOOD TO BE WAL-MART~

Fidelity and Unicredit have put together a deal to purchase the fledgling AIG Insurance company from the US Government. The new company will be called FU AIG!

An A an I and a G trivia!

1.) What was the original name of the Pittsburgh Pirates at their original inception in 1887? (A)

2.) What kind of 'delicious' did ads describe Almond Joy and Mounds as? (I)

3.) Peter, Egon, Ray, and Winston, were better known as The_______________? (G)


1.) Allegheny's
2,) Indescribably
3.) Ghostbusters

Dancing With the Inmates

In celebration if Dancing With the Stars just kicking off a brand new season, I thought of a brand new competition for the off-season.....Dancing With the Inmates~


Here is the line -up I would like to see:

OJ Simspon with Cheryl Burke dancing the Jive.,

Michael Vick with Julianne Hough dancing with the Hokey in the Pokey.

Boy Geoge with Mark Ballas dancing the Lap Dance.

Charles Barkley with Kym Johnson dancing the Chest Bump

Madea with Karina Smirnoff dancing the Humpty Hump

Khloe Kardashian and Fabian Sanchez dancing the Pole.

Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer Still Kickin' it?

Orem, Utah recently featured two blends from the past, Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer for a one night only event. No, not celebrity boxing~!
They actually did their 'thangs'~ With raps like Pumps and a Bump, Ninja Rap, and their A-list stuff, they were Too Legit to Quit easily bringing down the house in Orem. I have been Dj'ing for many years now, and somehow the cheesy flavors of those rhymes still have people mouthing the words, imitating the dance, and grinding on the floor. I am not amazed by it, actually. Some of those songs had good beats and were just plain fun. A Hammer and Ice esCapades Tour for '09? I don't think it is by no means imminent. But I'll bet it would sell! I would go see it! Wouldn't you?

Here are some other tickets I woulds go see!

Musical Youth and Sonic Youth in the "We're All Grown Tour"

Quiet Riot and Twisted Sister in the "Lost our Minds and then our Hair Tour"

AC/DC and INXS in the "Sorry Our Lead Singer Died Tour"

Milli Vinilli with with The Partridge Family & special guests Ashlee Simpson and Lin Miaoke in the "All-Star Lips Sync Tour"

Kajagoogoo with Wang Chung in the "Everybody Smoke Dope Tonight and Think of Weird Band Name Tour."

The Divinyls and MC Hammer in the "Do I Touch or Not Tour?"

Right Said Fred and Rod Stewart in the "I'm Too Sexy, No I Am Tour"

69 Boyz and Bow Wow Wow in the "Lets Me See Your Tootsie Roll Then Give Me Some Mo' Damn Candy Tour."

Taco and Falco in the "Amadeus Puts on the Ritz Tour"
(yes i know Falco is dead)

Meatloaf and Bread in the "Make Out in the Back Seat Tour"

Los del Rio and Marcia Griffiths in the "Electric Macarena Tour. "


Quick Ice/Hammer Quiz ---- Which one?

1.) Had first rap single to top Billboard Charts?
2.) Did more studio albums?
3.) On Surreal life?
4.) With Death Row Records at one time?
5.) Was in Borat film?

1.) Ice---Ice Ice Baby
2.) Hammer 11 to 7
3.) Both! Ha~
4.) Hammer
5.) Hammer


PEACE OUT!
Word to your mom!